The trouble with saying “I’m sorry” (& what to do instead)

I’m going to share with you why being a ‘good girl’ and apologising at every turn to everyone is detrimental to your body confidence and prioritising yourself.

It occurred to me the other day when I was picking Emme (my little one) up from school that when she did something considered right or that the educators wanted her to do she was praised “good girl”.

Something in me irked at that comment and the way that she gets praised, in that way so often. The problem is it encourages comparison, judgement and criticism. “If you’re not a good girl, then what you are doing must be bad or even worse identifying you are bad and when you do something bad or wrong you need to apologise for it.

You see I’m a recovering good girl.

Being a recovering good girl means I’m not doing this anymore; people pleasing, wanting to be liked, wanting to be accepted and belong, apologisng for even existing, wanting the praise that comes with doing the ‘right thing’; doing what I was told to do, being in control and controlled, believing being a good girl would keep me safe, not accepting myself unless I was doing what I needed to do to be good, not expressing yourself, not being ugly, not thinking for myself but taking my cues from authority figures, getting good grades, kicking ass at work, proving you can be as productive if not more than the boys, pretty much that was me until I was in my early 30’s.

Now I’m not suggesting that children should be defiant or purposefully disobey authority figures, quite the contrary. There is a difference between pointing out and praising the behaviour and naming her a good girl.

When you point out the behaviour, you are able to identify the praise with the action and therefore are able to replicate this behaviour again. It positively reinforces what gets results and why you are being praised.

The problem is being conditioned to receive praise by being called a good girl has it’s challenges you grow up. Apologising for doing something that is not accepted or right breeds a lack of rebellion, free thinking and trust in yourself.

Women and young girls thrive on praise. It makes you feel good, appreciated, lights you up and allows you to express and radiate that much more.

So when it is linked psychologically to doing what others want you to do, saying yes and overloading yourself because you care about others well-being and welfare over your own, this is when it can become like the plague.

It thereby is making others more important than you. You aren’t in that moment caring about your well being or prioritising yourself and with that comes an impact and consequence that usually means you’ll reach for something that will make you feel better in the moment such as chocolate, wine or ice-cream.

Here’s 3 powerful tips that will help you with be brave-spirited and feeling good no matter what others are saying or doing.

1. Like who you are

You have all flavours and shades of life and femininity within you. You have light and you have dark within you. There is no bad or good, right or wrong, there is being and experiencing. When you view life in a way of flowing and dancing with life, you realise that there is no light without dark. So accept and allow the shadow parts of yourself with your lighter parts. Own this and it will help free you to express and let go of caring about other people’s opinions and judgements.

2. Make you the most important person in your world

Your needs, nourishment, pleasure and rest are of the utmost importance because if you don’t look after yourself everyone else in your world is negatively impacted.

Whether through you being harsh, snappy, emotionally brittle and not able to have the buffer needed to cope with everyday life if you do not take care of yourself your life will seem dready, hard and a struggle.

So instead take time, even a few moments a day to check in with yourself and do what you feel is needed, make a moment of stillness or a dance and shaking you booty for a minute to feel good.

3. Be a brave-spirited beauty

Being your own person, having both aspects of the good and bad, light and dark, is what is real and true.

You have both within you and honouring and allow both to co-exist is what living in this duality is all about.

Enjoy the dance of light and dark, night and day, yin and yang that makes life exciting, interesting and most of all beautiful. Take risks, be adventurous and allow yourself time to pleasurably wander with no motive, intent or agenda but to just be for a few minutes a day or week.

Please leave a comment to let me know how this has impacted or helped you.